Out From the Dark
by Serena Gemini
Summary: Lily's words send James to a dark place. Unfortunately, she is also the only one who can bring him out from it. Jily. Rated for suicidal themes. Review please! I'm back after a long absence.


**HOLY HIATUS, BATMAN!**

So. It's been a while.  
Too long...So sorry! But I'm back with some James and Lily goodness for your enjoyment! I'm not sure if this will be a one-shot, or if I'll continue with it. I guess I'll decide once I get some feedback from you. I purposely left it open to the possibility of additional chapters. Let me know what you think, I'm sure I'm quite rusty!  
-SG

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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"Everyone says I'm kind, so kind and so sweet...I'm not. If I were, I'd never have spoken such cruel things to him. The only one who's ever continually been there for me. The only one to have my back no matter what. Sure, he was an arrogant jerk for years...but he grew past that. And here I am, having treated him like scum for doing nothing but trying to prove his loyalty to me. Now I get to watch as his vivaciousness and love of life fade away from him. I don't know that there is anything I can even do."

Lily was lost in her own thoughts, speaking aloud to no one in particular, believing that she was alone. She stood in the middle of the seventh floor corridor feeling as though she were cemented in place. She had just witnessed James Potter yet again try to prove his worth to her, only to be met with her usual venomous remarks. Normally he wouldn't have let that phase him, he'd just plaster his signature grin across his face, shoot some witty comeback at her and trot off with his friends. This time, however, was different. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. This time, she watched as his face darkened, and when he looked her in the eye she thought she could literally see his spirit breaking.

She had been the first to retreat. The look on his face was unbearable for her to see. She turned on her heel, and sped up the staircase to her left, not bothering to stop until she reached the deserted hallway she was currently standing in.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he never spoke to me again." She mused to herself.

"You'd deserve it."

The soft voice came from behind her, startling her completely. She spun around and found Sirius and Remus standing several feet away from her. Sirius wore a heated expression on his face, while Remus just looked at her sadly.

"I know," she replied, "I don't know what made me lose it like I did."

"You might want to figure that out then. You have no idea how much you've hurt him. None." Sirius spat, looking murderous.

Lily felt her face get hot, "I'm sorry."

"We're not the ones you should be apologizing to, Lily. You need to find James and tell him. I've never seen him react to something you've said like this. It's like something snapped inside him. You need to make it right." Remus said ruefully.

Lily nodded as Remus turned and pulled Sirius toward the staircase, leaving her with her thoughts.

Finding James was not hard. Lily knew where he would be. After a few more minutes in the corridor, Lily made herself begin her walk to the Quidditch pitch, and sure enough, there she found James on his broom, hovering about 10 feet off the ground. He was flying in slow circles the length of the pitch. He didn't seem to take notice of her even as she stepped onto the field directly beneath him.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked, barely receiving a glance in response.

She waited another minute, "James, please."

"Go away, Evans. There's nothing more to be said. You made yourself quite clear this afternoon." James said, launching himself higher into the air.

Lily felt a pang of guilt, but it was the use of her surname, which James hadn't used since they became Head Boy and Girl, that hurt her the most.

"James I'm sorry for what I said. I don't know where it came from. Please come down here." Lily pleaded unsuccessfully.

After standing on the field for nearly 15 minutes, Lily walked away towards the Castle. "If he wants to be stubborn, then he can sulk all he wants." She muttered, attempting to ease her conscience.

The next morning, Lily shuffled down to the Great Hall from her bedroom, prepared to take another shot at apologizing to James, but to her surprise neither he or any of the other Marauders were at breakfast. She spotted Mary McDonald at the far end of the Gryffindor table eating some pancakes and made her way to her.

"Hey Lily!" Mary said, looking up from her breakfast as Lily approached.

"Hey there Mary," Lily replied, "Quick question for you...Have you seen James or the other guys yet this morning?"

Mary shook her head, "No, and that's weird being that it's a Saturday. They always get up in time for pancakes."

This made Lily feel uneasy. She thanked Mary and as she turned to leave, a third year Hufflepuff boy leaned back in his seat, blocking her way.

"They're in the Hospital Wing. I saw them this morning while I was taking my allergy potion." the boy sniffed.

"What? Why?" The uneasiness Lily felt became like a rock that had settled in the pit of her stomach.

"Dunno. But the one guy—James—was laying in a bed and was all bandaged up. He didn't look too great." the boy shrugged and went back to picking at his meal.

Lily took off toward the Hospital Wing, her mind racing with awful scenarios. When she got there, she was met by Madam Pomfrey, who would only allow her entrance with the promise of quiet. She walked down the long aisle framed by identical looking beds on either side until she got to the only one that was occupied. Sure enough, James was laying in bed, gauze wrappings covering nearly every inch of him. The Marauders, his best friends, were by his side. Remus and Sirius were engaged in a hushed conversation while Peter gazed at James with a pathetic look on his face. James himself was unconscious. No one seemed to notice her presence until she deliberately scuffed the stone floor with the heel of her shoe.

Peter was the first to look up, but Sirius was the first one to speak, "Get out." He growled fiercely.

Remus put a hand on Sirius' arm as if to settle him, "Lily, this isn't a good time."

"What happened?" Lily asked, already feeling tears well up in her eyes.

"You happened, Evans. You did this," Sirius replied in a dangerously low tone, "This is on you."

"What?" Lily was dumbfounded.

"HE FLEW INTO THE BLOODY WILLOW! HE TRIED TO OFF HIMSELF BECAUSE OF YOU!" Sirius bellowed, causing Madam Pomfrey to come running toward the group with a furious look in her eyes.

Lily gaped at Sirius as the nurse ejected him from the room with Peter hurrying after them, ignoring his pleas to let his friend stay. She finally turned to Remus, who could not seem to meet her eye.

"Is that true?" She asked, her voice small.

"As far as we can tell, yeah." Remus confirmed. He slowly stood and made his way past Lily toward the door from which they could still hear Sirius expelling his frustrations. He patted her on the shoulder as he passed, "I have to go shut him up. He'll have half the school coming to see what in the world he's yelling about."

Lily nodded. She could not understand why Remus continued to speak so civilly toward her. She knew she deserved to be screamed at as Sirius had just done. She didn't deserve any kindness. Not anymore.

She slowly moved over to the chair at the head of James' bed and sat down. She couldn't fathom why James had taken such drastic action. Did he really feel so hopeless? Why did he have to place such importance on what she thought of him? There had to be more to it than the pain of rejection. Lily gently took James' hand in hers, and squeezed it. She hoped that he would somehow know that it was her beside him, willing him to wake up.

"Please know how sorry I am James," she spoke softly, almost inaudibly, "I didn't mean any of what I said to you. I've figured it out...why I treat you so badly. Please be okay so I can tell you."

Somewhere in her mind, she half expected James' eyes to flutter open at that exact moment, and for him to smile up at her with his crooked grin. She half expected it, but knew that wouldn't be the case. This wasn't some muggle romance novel, and she wasn't so lucky. She sat there, watching James' unmoving face for the next several hours, until Madam Pomfrey came back and told her that it was time to go. Lily stood and reluctantly let go of the sleeping boy's hand.

"I'll be back tomorrow." She leaned down and whispered before softly kissing his cheek.

True to her word, she returned every day for the next week. While James' physical wounds healed rather quickly, he remained unconscious. Lily could sense the worry from Madam Pomfrey, who had begun to let Lily stay at James' bedside well after visiting hours were over. Ten days in, Lily broke.

"James, wake up. Wake up!" She was alone, and squeezed the boy's hand tightly. "You need to wake up, please! I can't take this...I need you!"

Realizing the truth to those words, Lily burst into tears. She raised James' had to her lips and kissed each one of his fingers while tears streamed down her cheeks. She pressed forehead against the back of his hand as though somehow it would awaken him. She choked back sobs for an hour, finally crying herself to sleep, her head resting on James' bed.

A rustling sound jolted Lily out of a fitful sleep. Startled and disoriented, she reached for her wand which she'd left at the foot of James' bed. A quiet chuckle stopped her in her tracks. Lily looked up and saw that James was smiling at her.

"All right, Evans?" He quipped, his voice raspy from disuse.

"James!" Lily breathed, still unsure if she was actually awake.

"Lily, what are you doing here? What am I doing here for that matter?" James sat up in bed, looking around for his glasses. He found them on the bedside table and slipped them on, taking in the dimly lit room.

"You—you don't remember?" Lily asked.

"Well, I remember you trying to apologize to me on the Quidditch pitch for lashing out at me the other day, but after that...I got nothing." James shrugged.

"James, you flew yourself into the Whomping Willow almost two weeks ago. You tried to kill yourself. Because of me." Lily said, shamefaced.

James blinked, trying to recall what had happened. After a moment, his memories of that day returned to him. "Lily, no, don't blame yourself. I don't know what I was thinking. Really! I was stupid."

"No, I was the stupid one. I am so sorry for how I have been treating you, especially lately. At first, I didn't know why I was acting like such an ass, but I do now." Lily had tears in her eyes again.

"Lily..."

"Please let me finish," Lily looked directly at James, "I was scared. I was afraid of the way I feel about you. But this—I'm not afraid anymore."

"What are you saying?" James asked, his heart thundering inside his chest.

Lily smiled, "I think you know."

"I want to hear it. Please..." James' voice was almost a whisper.

"I...I'm in love with you. I'm so sorry it took this to make me say it." Lily said, referencing the last several days.

James however looked like he might burst. A grin unlike Lily had ever seen made its way across James' face. He practically leapt out of his bed and pulled Lily into his arms, spinning her around.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say those words to me." He said, touching his forehead to Lily's.

Lily grinned back in response before closing the gap between James' lips and hers.


End file.
